Dear Daddy- 20

 Dear Daddy, 

How is the Chief?  Do you see him yet?  Covid was what did it for him too.  I am in an unfortunate club where people try and talk to me about it.  Yes I know, I lived through my dad dying from Covid, but I don't want to sound like I am super positive or helpful.  Truthfully I am a very negative person when it comes to it.  You had to chance to try and get the vaccine and didn't.   I am almost cold to it.  But I need to be understanding too.  

Then the holy people.  I am still dealing with praying for a miracle that didn't happen.  So, this song has been telling me that maybe the miracle I have prayed for isn't the miracle I need.  I think I have said this before, but it keeps coming up.  So I guess there is still a miracle in the works.  

 Miracle in the Works

I just pray I keep praying for the miracle and know what the miracle is when it happens or maybe I am living the miracle.  

Miss you daily. 

Be particular, 

Me.

Dear Daddy -19

 Dear Daddy, 

Well, they gave you flowers.  Bethlehem put the flowers at Homecoming in honor of you.  They were beautiful and Matt and Kayla bought them.  It made me almost cry to think you meant that much to them that they would send such a sentiment from Montana.   I will say, the church yard was not up to your standard.  I felt that Clint mowed it in a hurry, when you would have mowed it a few times to keep from making a hay field. But other than that the yard did look nice.  

Momma went with Martha (you know that was a trip) to go pick out your stone.  I haven't seen it.  I will see it when I visit.  I haven't came yet.  I'll come when the lantern is out there.  I don't want to be out there in the dark either.... 

Knox will talk about you.  He was looking for you at Bethlehem when we were there for homecoming.  He knows you are with Jesus, and he thinks Jesus is at church but he can't seem to find the right church.  It makes me cry when he asks where you are.  I wish he could understand, but at the same time I am glad he thinks he will find you.  Like, "When I get big, I'm gonna ride on the firetruck with Paw Paw." 

I have to remind myself not the grieve what I think is missed but be thankful for what I have. 

You were in my dreams two nights ago.  You were sitting in the chair at the kitchen table.  Had it turned to see me and we were just talking.  I wish I could remember what the conversations were about, but we were talking.  I remember in my dream telling myself to not wake up.  Just don't wake up.  Now I wish I would have said remember what you are saying :) 

School is back and it's a hot mess.  I feel like a first year teacher again, going home and doing work each night to stay caught up.  

Neal- well, he will look like you.  I hope he keeps trying to do everything Knox does.  There is something to be said for determination, but I also wish he would be a little more laid back like you and go with the flow.  That boy is something else. 

Until next time. 

Be Particular, 

Me. 

PS. They are calling each other, but sometimes Knox calls you... 

Dear Daddy- 18

 Dear Daddy, 

I missed your birthday.  Actually, I didn't.  I thought about you the entire day because everyone kept reminding me.  So many people saying, well it must be hard he's not here, thinking of you... How are you doing? blah, blah, blah.  I really wanted to say, "why today?  Why would you think today is any different than any other day. I miss him everyday.  EVERY SINGLE DAY! " 

Well... WELL!  Today was different. It was busy but today I hated not having you for my birthday.  You've always been at every birthday, every single one.  Since the time I came out and you followed me out of the room and leaving momma, you have been there.  So today, today was the hard day.  Today was the day I wanted more than ever to hear that, "Well happy birthday Heather" but today I didn't hear it and it SUCKS!!  Just plain SUCKS.  I made sure to spend time with momma today because I just don't know if next year she will be here, so I wanted to know that I did all I could to not miss time this year.We did celebrate and I put on a good smile, but I missed you.... 

So all to say, Happy Birthday to me.  Happy, Happy Birthday. I am glad to have made it to 36 but hate you couldn't make it past 63. 

Be Particular, 
Me.

Dear Daddy- 17

 Dear Daddy, 

I hated fathers day last week.  I know that Adam is a daddy but he isn't you and he ain't my daddy. So what do I do, I celebrate that my boys have a daddy and pray that he will be 3/4 of you. Knox told momma that you were missing from the supper last Sunday.  I think it took her by surprise.  Knox is just something.  I think I need to beat his tail all the time but then I don't know how much of that is normal three year old mess. 

School is out for summer and I am starting my summer veggie picking. I wish I could go back to Costa Rica.  It was always a good place for me to center myself but I think that will have to wait a while.  I cried a lot this week  Church today... I cried.  

I have to keep reminding myself about that no matter what God is so good!!  I should sing of the goodness of him.  I am sure you know how great Jesus is at this point and I will sing of him.  That is my prayer 

PS.  Knox thinks my favorite song is Momma don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys. 

I hope he understands that I really say, "momm don't your your babies grow up to plowboys :)"

Plowboys are good but they don't tend to come home much like cowboys... you know that I know, because you know too.

Be Particular, 

Me.

Dear Daddy-16

 June 3, 2021

Dear Daddy, 

I bought Catalina tangy bacon salad dressing the other day.  It was MVP but I saw it sitting next to the missing row of Zesty Italian and said, why not?  For the sake of that being Daddy's favorite.. lets try.  It's good.  I should have tried it years ago when you first started drowning your salads in it.  

Momma keeps asking me what we should put on your monument.  Well, what do you think?  I say

Larry Alan Lasley

July 27, 1957- January 9, 2021

Son, Husband, Father, PawPaw

"You turn mourning to dancing, You turn graves into garden. Lord, there's nothing better than You. "

We might need a big rock.  You know, one for Clint to mow around. 

Knox caught a fish off a boat at Smith Mountain Lake this weekend.  It was so excited. Granted it was probably the size of his arm, but he was proud. 

The lake was cold.  Neal wanted nothing to do with it.  He just wanted to make sure he has his snacks and he was good.  Remember the first year we went, they put us in the smelly basement- well, round two.  We were back in the basement again.  But this basement was awesome.  The bottom was a copy of the top, full kitchen, two full baths, a play room and 3 bedrooms. It was great to be in the basement this year. 

I'm still driving your truck.  How many times did you poot in the seat?  I know you are laughing because even though you are gone, the smell is still hanging around.  I'm like, why does it still smell like a poot, because you know how to make your presence in a room, that you aren't in. ;)

Payton has graduated 5th grade!  Thank goodness.  On to middle school for her.  Knox is in the 3 year old room, so he's moved up and Neal starts part time play school in September.  I know you are glad to be out of that carpool circle.  Whew, it's a lot of kidos to keep up with. 

Be Particular, 

Me. 

Dear Daddy- 15

 May 18, 2021

We won. The Woodlawn Middle School Girls XC team are the champions!  I can't believe it.  I thought we at best would lose by 8. But we won by 1.  The meet was at Southern High so I made sure to beep the horn when I drove by the station on the way to yalls house to pick up the boys.  Anyway, that's not the reason for this letter.  I saw the matts.  You know what I'm talking about... the Matts from teacher assistant class senior year, 1976, back when Southern Alamance were the Confederates.  

So we were walking the course for the students to run and in the back corner near the woods there they were. Two, old high jump matts.  The covers were ripped, the corners were busted and I just smiled.  Were they the ones you and David Holt dragged out from the field house and jumped on from the bleachers, maybe, probably not, but when I saw those busted things I just had to laugh.  

I'm glad you survived that!  If you didn't we wouldn't have Knox or Neal. 

Thanks for making me smile! 

Be Particular, 

Me. 

Dear Daddy-14

 May 17, 2021

Dear Daddy, 

He's One!   Your boy.  Neal Carson.  The one that looks like me so he will look like you too. :)  We celebrated yesterday and let me just say, you got out of a lot of work.  I was already thinking.. man if daddy was alive I would see if he could come mow the yard right quick on Friday, and when he did maybe bring the chairs and corn hole boards. I think I worked you to death.  I played CCR Pandora radio station.  I knew you would like it.  When Bad Moon Arising came on, I could see you smile and giggle.  You and Maw Maw's butt, Bless America! 

It did rain a little in the morning.  No rain in the forecast all week.  All I could think about was the Holes in the floor of Heaven song- 

"'cause there's holes in the floor of Heaven,
"And her tears are pouring down.
"That's how you know she's watching,
"Wishing she could be here now.
"An' sometimes if you're lonely,
"Just remember she can see.
"There's holes in the floor of Heaven
"And she's watching over you and me."

I don't know what you and Jesus are doing, but I sure hope you, MawMaw, PawPaw and Jesus watching Neal put the cake in his face!  

I missed you.  I looked out in the crowd going to thank everyone for coming and I lost my thought.   I didn't see your face (the one that always looks so excited and fun) and it made me sad.  I almost cried, I think others could tell, because I couldn't get my words out but what I wanted to say was, "This little one was loved by you.  I am so glad that we didn't keep him from you and that he got to meet you.  And I had pictures for everyone to look at from the past year if they wanted to see how he has grown."  the only thing that came out was, there are picture for you to look at if you want. 

Anyway.  Bad Moon Rising came on and you made me smile :) because that's what you do. 

Be Particular, 

Me.

Dear Daddy-13

May 14, 2021

Dear Daddy, 

We got a new couch.  It is something. It reclines on both ends and Adam had to get the chair that spins to go with it.  You know, a merry-go-round for the house.  Yeah, that kind of char.  But it rocks, reclines and swivels.  A very comfortable chair, that Adam can sleep in at night when he falls asleep watching TV.  You know if you were alive I would have gotten you to meet me at the furniture store to take it home.  I hate you missed out on helping me move furniture, again :).  What was it, ten moves?  And after 4 you said no more 3rd floor.  But lets be honest, it was safer up there. 

Neal turns one on Monday.   His party is Sunday.  Cake and icecream.  I think I'm going to need the corn hole boards you made and maybe even borrow the yard chairs.  I've had your truck all week.  4 times I wanted to turn on the strobes to just scare the person in front of me.  I didn't, but I wanted to.  The console thing, bless, it just will not stay down.  I guess all those times of putting in the Israel Houghton cds, wore it out.  Boy, do you have the variety of music in that thing.  Where is the CCR?  I guess you just kept that on your phone. 

It's been cool this week.  Wednesday barely got to 50.  In MAY!  I had to turn the heat on because the temperature in the house was 61. It might mean we are set up for a hard winter. 

I didn't cry this week.  If anything I have enjoyed talking about what you would be saying to all these people filling up gas because they "think" there is a shortage.  Holy Moly.  I can hear you fussing now.  People are crazy.  It's just that.  They are crazy. Lines out to the street and there is plenty of gas.  Now, the trucks are playing catch up.  Just fear.  I feel so bad for all these people who walk in a constant state of Fear.  I think you and maw maw never worried about anything.  I am sure there was worry but I never remember you reacting in fear.  I just know you always wanted to know where or what we were going to eat. :) 

I'll post a pic of the cake smash. 

Be Particular, 

Me. 

Dear Daddy -12

 May 3, 2021

Dear Daddy, 

Knox and the sandbox!  You know the one you build for him.  I thought Neal was going to be the sandbox boy, but your boy Knox.  I have to get a picture of him in it this year. He now has a digger (mini excavator) that you sit on and dig.  OH MY.  He sits out there for a LOOOONG time.  Of course, Lulabelle or Pearl is hanging around too.  He is just digging and talking.  He has an entire job site in his mind.  He comes inside and says, "Whew my had a lot of work to do. My need something to drink and get back out there."  Needless to say, there is a lot of sand on the outside of the box compared to what there used to be.  I am so glad Momma talked you into making this!  I guess he's like you, as long as he doesn't poop in his pants. 

Year One 2019

Year Two 2020

 

Year Three 2021

Neal.  Let's talk about Neal.  He is so sweet and loves ice cream (two words).  We went to y'alls house to drop Payton's cake off on Saturday for her party on Sunday, of course Knox asks for ice cream.  I told momma she can be the ice cream lady.  She doesn't always have to ask me to give him something (meme perks).  So I thought Knox would want to try the Nutty Buddy, well he didn't like it and decided to stick with an ice cream sandwich.  Neal however... Well, just look. 

 

          

He likes it.  Cake Smash is coming in a few weeks.  But at least you aren't having to fight them over the ice cream :) 

Be Particular, 

Me. 

Dear Daddy-11

April 26, 2021

Dear Daddy, 

Tomorrow is Payton's birthday and get ready she would want a Jelly Donut.  12.  Can you believe she is 12.  Legally she can now sit in the front seat, but weight wise she is still lite.  She is doing better but I think that she is still adjusting to everything.  We are still having a gathering at the house with family for hotdogs, cake and ice cream.  Again, who is going to eat the extra ice cream?  Momma.. yeah right.  I got you on the burnt hot dog weenies! 

I have always loved this picture.  I have it several places, but I now know why I love it.  Yes, it's you and me and the white bear in the rocking chair, but I now know how you felt.  Tired! haha No... I realized that this is often times me and Knox or Neal.  I am sitting in the recliner, with my boy on the left and we are both asleep.  The calm and relaxation in the moment of holding your child as they have relaxed and rested in your arms.  They are at peace and you rest too.  I get the BEST sleep when I call asleep in the recliner, because I know that my kid is okay too. 

So... I just like to think God is like that too.  When his child crawls up in his lap and finally rests.  The rest  and security in God's arms that the child gets and the rest He feels as He holds His child.  I like to think at that moment maybe God rests too.  I know that He is always working, but he too rested on the 7th day. 

Where is the bear?  I have snoopy in the red chair, where is the white bear?  Maybe at Mommas. 

OH. Momma called her cell phone from the house phone and almost answered the cell phone wondering who was calling.  How many jokes do you have for that?  :) 

Be Particular, 

Me. 

Dear Daddy- 10

April 21, 2021

Dear Daddy, 

It's been 4 months.  I still cry. Probably 5 times a week.  But I was told it never gets easier I just get stronger.  Stronger what?  Stronger in how I can do things without you. Stronger with going day by day, or stronger in the Lord. 

I think stronger in Jesus.  So I have been listening to this song called Miracles.  This song is something that I sang, praying for a miracle over you and it didn't happen. So I have started to realize that the miracle that I prayed for is bigger than what I wanted .  I prayed for your healing but I didn't get it.  I prayed for you to stay here with me and that miracle didn't happen either.  I keep praying from miracles and the only hope I have is that I see the bigger miracle in the disappointment of what I didn't get. 

The ones who wrote the song birthed it after a hard time in their life and when asked they said we can either still believe who God says when we didn't experience what we wanted or we can not trust him at all.  They decided to lean in closer to the Lord and truly rest in what His plan is will be better than we can imagine, even in the hardest of disappointments.  I am getting there.  I think I am in a better spot now than I was 2 months ago.  

Getting stronger but still missing you. 

Be Particular, 
Me.

Dear Daddy-9

 April 20, 2021

These were taken two years ago.  They popped up and I couldn't believe you didn't have anything on that said Swepsonville FD.  Not even the hat.. It must have been an off day. 

 Momma says that Kevin is frustrated with a mower.  But you know how it goes, if he'd just slow down and look at the big picture and not just get so narrowed in on one thing... Who am I telling, you already knew that. 

My ditch still isn't finished. Time Warner (SPECTRUM) will not send anyone to fix the cable that isn't buried by the trees but instead by the ditch.  It's just sitting there, unfinished. I really think my ditch would have gotten finished if we didn't hit that cable, but who knows when it will get done now. Honestly, I don't think they need the big excavator for what's left.  It can be managed with a good shovel and root choppers. All to say, there is still water just sitting and not draining.  Oh well.. I don't think the ditch is going to matter anyway, because even with it to grade, the water table is apparently so close to the surface that there will always be some kind of standing bed of mosquitos. 

I'm getting ready for Neal's number 1.  His party has to be some kind of ball theme. The boy loves to throw a ball. What do you think.. football, baseball, soccer, basketball?   I was thinking baseball... easier to make cupcakes :)  Just cake and ice cream this year.  Probably Blue Bell Ice Cream, but maybe one thing of homemade for me.  Honestly momma could make one homemade and it would last all summer because you aren't eating all the leftovers ;)

Be Particular, 

Me.

 

Dear Daddy-8

 April 16, 2021

Dear Daddy, 

MAVERICK CITY MUSIC!! I'm sure in heaven you hear the praise but I love them.  They are the best combination of Kirk Franklin, Israel Houghton, and Elevation Worship.  I keep listening to this song 
"Talking to Jesus"  I just know you would have this one on your phone.  Talking to Jesus Song

I keep thinking about the 'what a friend we have in Jesus' and wonder what it's like for you.  You are with Jesus now.  Oh I just wonder.  I know we miss having you as our friend here.  Especially Tim.  He is really having a hard time if you ask me.  I just know that when Ricky started up the mower outside to mow my yard, I for a second thought it was you, so I am sure that Tim hears the ding of the door opening at the store and forgets that you won't walk through. 

Neal loves the sand box that you made for Knox.  He is your baby.  He will sit in the sandbox and play and play.  He hasn't pooped in his pants yet but I'm sure that is coming ;)  Don't worry I will tell you about it when it happens.  He has Lulabelle right by his side too.  That dog loves baby Neal.  

Knox- He has your figure it out and make your own mentality.  I told him he couldn't have his sippy cup so what does he do, gets the lid and puts it on his regular red cup.  As you can see, he is so proud.  I couldn't take it away.  He didn't take the cup but the lid. 

Until next time.  I still have the ditch story... 

Be Particular, 

Me. 

Dear Daddy-7

April 13, 2021

Dear Daddy, 
Spring break 2021 has come and gone.  It was adventurous to say the least.  We, the running girls, went to Perry's mountain house for a few days, which was a nice break from chasing the little ones.  Adam had baby duty, which I think ended up being more Gaye having baby duty.  Regardless everyone is alive. 

While in the mountains this is the first time I saw you in a dream.  Yep, we were in your shop and you were not wanting me to catch you as you were darting back and forth from behind the gator. Even in my dream, I was so excited to see you.  When I caught you I gave you a hug, which I know you just loved... not.. but I wouldn't let go.  I thought that if in my dream i could just keep holding on the dream would last longer and I could have you longer.  But inevitably,  I woke up.  Not long after Paw Paw died in 2010 I had a dream about him and same thing, I didn't want it to end.  I'm just glad it wasn't a giant Ice Cream cone. 

We did so many egg hunts.  Knox was egg hunt out.  momma volunteered at the one at your church.  When I walked up holding Knox, who was still 1/2 asleep from the drive, he lifted his head and with the biggest smile said, "Paw Paw, there you are."  I cried.  Momma cried.  Mr. Roach didn't really know what to say.  Knox knew that the last time he came to this church, you were with him as we were looking for baby Jesus in the drive thru Nativity.  So when we told him you went to live with Jesus, he thought you went to live at the church.  Needless to say, he spent a lot of his time looking for you at the egg hunt.  He misses you a lot, but we still talk about you as though you are still with us. 

Tire change- You would have been proud of me for being the one that knew how to change a tire.  It wasn't my car but another teacher's car.  The jack wasn't big enough and I remember you sometimes having to use a block, so that's what we did.  We found a block and jacked it up!  I just knew if I could have called you after the fact you would have been proud.  So a great big thank you to you and the flat tires I got in high school ;) 

There is more that happened in the past week, mainly with my ditch, but that isn't finished, so I'll tell you about that in another letter. 

The boys are good. Neal is wanting to walk.  He isn't very good, but he is getting around holding onto things.  He loves to throw a ball too.  Payton is doing better.  She seems more settled.  Knox, he is trying his limits, but still is just as smart and funny as always.  Me, well, I'm making it.  Yesterday I had a moment looking at the gate you built last year for my porch.  I am so thankful because it is doing what you intended it to do, keep Neal from falling down the steps, I just wish you sit there with me too.  So, sometimes I'm not okay, but that's not all the time, just moments. 

Be Particular, 

Me. 

Dear Daddy-6

 Dear Daddy, 

Momma is bound and determined that she is going to mow the yard.  I understand. I would rather mow than clean the restrooms, but man you would have gotten a kick with her and the weedeater.  I can hear you now.. "look at granny.. " She had on the floppy hat, old white,now green, shoes and the clear eye protection.  Go Granny go.  Do you remember when she first got the "Hus-a-vanna" :), you sent me a video.  In the video you said, "Snails pace. " I'm pretty sure she has sped up but bless her.  I told her Kevin should weed eat.  Just let him weed eat and do the bank, but no.  She is going to do it.  (Kevin did do the bank tough... even she realized it was to steep). 

She wants to keep the yard looking nice, she wants you to be proud.  I get it, but goodness, don't kill yourself with the weed eater.  It's not worth it.  

Lets see... my yard.  Daddy. Dadddddyyyy.. Adam is supposed to be fixing my ditch. You know the one that DOESN'T DRAIN!!! That ditch.   I was encouraged on Thursday when momma said that a friend of his showed up at the house with a mini excavator, but... my ditch still doesn't drain.  Instead there is a trench with a corrugated pipe running along the right side, with some gravel on top.  It isn't even the same height as the drive already there.  Oh it's not what I wanted, but I'm hoping it is a work in progress.  On top of that, we have had heavy down pours the past 3 nights, so no more work has been done.  It's a mess.  Hopefully the finished product will be good but right now, I know you'd be over there, mud or no mud, finishing the job.  Instead I have a mini excavator in the drive, with a half done trench and a ditch that still doesn't drain. 

On a sweet note, Knox said he is going to be a firefighter and ride on that fire truck with Paw Paw.  I know, makes me cry every time he says it.  So, I will make sure that when the day comes, he has your helmet, so you're riding with him.  

Well, that's all for now.  Except that Neal is wanting to walk. YIKES!!! 

Be particular, 

Me. 

Dear Daddy-5

 March 22, 2021

Dear Daddy, 

It's been 3 months since I have seen you.  Since I sat on the concrete outside of your building, both wearing masks, bing 6 feet apart.  You were sitting in the sun because you were doing better.  Remember, the fever was down, you had some energy, you were making faces at Neal?  I remember it.  That was the last day I had with you, but I saw you today.  

Mebane had a big fire call this morning.  The trucks came rolling by my classroom window around 9am.  They took their main engine, their ladder truck and a brush truck.  They were going somewhere in a hurry that's for sure.  It made me cry.  Just seeing it go by.  Hearing the sirens.  Knowing that if it was Sweps, it would have been you. 

It reminded me of all the times the pager would go off and you'd start running.  Running across the yard to get to the station.  Or ow you would strategically back your truck in so you could get there even faster, or just beat Kevin up the road.  The years of watching those light blink on the truck or listening to the pager figuring out where you were going, I can hear it and see it. 

Knox still loves fire trucks.  The boys at the department have been great!  They still let him sit in the trucks, blow the horns and turns on the lights.  I think he gets special treatment because of you.  I hope he wants to be a firefighter, he pretends to put out fires all the time.  He is so much fun!  

Until the next time a caravan of fire trucks roll by my window, with sirens blasting and horns blowing allowing for another memory of you to fill my mind...  

Be Particular, 

Me

Dear Daddy-4,

March 16, 2021

Dear Daddy, 

I was reading Neal one of the animal books and I sure wish I could make all your animal sounds.  It was so weird because I could hear you do every single one in my head, but I couldn't make that noise come out of my mouth. I could hear the pig, cow, sheep, all of them!  It made my heart smile and my eyes cry.  

It's been a year since they closed down the country.  I wish you were still here to see it.  If I would have known that this visus was going to take you, I would have made sure to see you more.  But to be truthful maybe I did? ? Maybe just maybe I did see you more than a normal school year.  Sometimes I think, what if we were more restricted?  What if?  I still don't know if you would have lived past January the 9th and then what?  Months of isolation of not seeing you and making memories with the boys?  I think that would have haunted me more.  Be thankful what what you've been given not mourn for what you think you've lost.  I mourn potential memories but ultimately I feel upon our first breath our last one is waiting leaving us unknowing to when that may be. 

Neal is starting to try to walk.  He is standing and trying to go from one thing to another.  

Julie is working on my cabinets.  I KNOW. Good for you.  I knew I wouldn't have been able to get you to do it after all the cabinets you did for momma! 

Also, fertilizer stakes?  How close do I put them to the Pecan Trees you planted for the boys?  I'm glad we did that.  I have to keep them alive and strong. 

Until next time. 

Be Particular, 

Me

Dear Daddy-3

 Dear Daddy, 

I would have had him call you and tell you on the phone about his poop. He looked at me so surprised.  Granted this has happened before, but I think where he is older, it's more of a shock.  

Knox- Momma, come look.  My poopoo is blue.  Come look at it momma.  It's blue. 

Me- Yes Knox, you had the cupcake yesterday to make it blue. 

Knox- Momma, My like my blue poop. 

You would have just died.  He likes his blue poop.  Bless him!  He is so funny right now.  What else is he saying.. OH.. he wants a Mixed Drink.. A mixed drink. You know he's 3!!!  but what he calls a mixed drink is 1/2 chocolate and 1/2 white milk.  I will sometimes say, "No Knox, not right now.  You do not need one right now. " Knox responds, "yes my do."  YES. MY. DO.  So stinking cute. 

He'd share his mixed drink with you, that's for sure!  :) I know you would say it's not strong enough... with chocolate that is. 

Oh- Payton wants a Jelly Donut.  Just saying. 

Be Particular! 

- Me

Dear Daddy- 2

 Dear Daddy, 

Neal is waving and he waves like you. The silly goofy wave that you used to do.  Yep it's you.  I am waiting for him to start the Spanky wave.  

We are doing good here. Adjusting to not having you with us but making it day by day. Its warming up and I know that soon the church yard will need to be mowed.  I am trying to get Kevin to do it, that way we know your gravesite will look nice! :)   

Momma is still trying to plan everything but hopefully she is seeing that you just have to roll with it.  Bless her and her schedule.  With the 1/2 and 1/2 school and my boys, she is busy. 

I got my Covid shot- the first one.  I felt really bad about 24 hours after the fact.  I had the chills, very tired and my neck hurt.  The neck thing I thought was strange, but today I feel better.  

I miss you! 

Be particular. 

- Me

Dear Daddy-1

                                                                                                                                    2/13/2021 

Dear Daddy, 

It's been 35 days and you are still gone.  Just gone.  I know we laid you to rest 28 days ago but still, it seems unreal.  I cried today.  Again.  Again, today I cried.  Of course you know that no one saw because that's how you would cry.  In the secret.  In the place where you were all alone so your tears wouldn't affect anyone else.  So for me, it's the shower.  I cried in the shower again to today, but for today it was after my power came back on.  

Today we had a lot of frozen rain.  I knew that there was a chance but it seemed to really want to mess with the weathermen as it became a big problem for the trees.  I stepped outside and kept hearing the sound of gunshots only to see it was the breaking of the pines.  These tall pines that provide so much shade in the summer, also provide a hazard for weather like today.  So here I am, 1:30pm and the lights go out. I have both boys, Knox and Neal, in the house as we endured a day of frozen rain.  I wish it was snow.  At least with snow we can make the excuse to go outside but freezing rain is just miserable.  So why the tears?  Today I would have called you.  I wanted to call you.  I knew that if you knew I didn't have power you would have been on your way with a generator and propane.  You would have taken the hand truck in the rain, through the mud and connected it to make sure I was ready with heat.  You would have brought the generator to plug in to make sure I at the least, had TV :)  You would have came as soon as you knew.  It would not have mattered the weather or what you were doing, you would have made it here and in the visit, made us all laugh. Of course I would have given you a cup of coffee, once I could plug the perculator into the generator and we would have talked about what you were doing when you stopped what you were doing to come help me.  

I wish you were here. 

Be Particular, 

Me.    

It's a birthday of sorts

 February 12th.  It's my 1/2 birthday.  My mom used to bring cupcakes and a balloons to my elementary school on my 1/2 birthday to celebrate.  Being a summer baby, one wasn't allowed to have the, "let's eat cupcakes at school for my birthday attention", so we made up our own extra 1/2 birthday party. 

February 12th has changed for me.  February 12, 2019, I was 13 weeks pregnant with surprise baby number 2, when my water broke at 3:10 pm.  Perfect timing, as the school bell was ringing for students to go home, I called my husband to tell him I was going to the ER.  Just 2 weeks prior, we had seen the baby's ultrasound, we saw how everything was progressing normally, and we had started to get excited.  We had not planned to be pregnant and have 2 under 2, but we rested God is still God and this baby has a purpose.  But here we are, sitting in the ER, blood now running down my leg, excitement had been replaced with fear.  I knew it was bad, I knew I was losing my baby, and on that day I did.  

Miscarried is the word. MISCARRIED. I hate that word.  As though I dropped my child.  I miscarried it, so they say.  This was the day I had to sit on the bathroom floor and cry, as I handed the nurse a tiny baby, my baby.  My baby had a head, body, arms and legs.  Tiny yes, but a baby.  I like to think the baby was a girl.  We didn't know, it was to soon, but I keep saying her.  As I pick her up, I held her in both hands and gave her up.  She was gone. 13 weeks.  Some say they are not a baby at that point, believe me, she was a baby.   

As the days rolled and seasons changed I healed, had my precious baby Neal, but today is February 12th.  My 1/2 birthday any my baby's birthday.  She may have only spent a few minutes with me, but she will forever be mine and not I did not miscarry my child.  She was always in the Lords hands and now she is sitting at his feet.