Dear Daddy-1

                                                                                                                                    2/13/2021 

Dear Daddy, 

It's been 35 days and you are still gone.  Just gone.  I know we laid you to rest 28 days ago but still, it seems unreal.  I cried today.  Again.  Again, today I cried.  Of course you know that no one saw because that's how you would cry.  In the secret.  In the place where you were all alone so your tears wouldn't affect anyone else.  So for me, it's the shower.  I cried in the shower again to today, but for today it was after my power came back on.  

Today we had a lot of frozen rain.  I knew that there was a chance but it seemed to really want to mess with the weathermen as it became a big problem for the trees.  I stepped outside and kept hearing the sound of gunshots only to see it was the breaking of the pines.  These tall pines that provide so much shade in the summer, also provide a hazard for weather like today.  So here I am, 1:30pm and the lights go out. I have both boys, Knox and Neal, in the house as we endured a day of frozen rain.  I wish it was snow.  At least with snow we can make the excuse to go outside but freezing rain is just miserable.  So why the tears?  Today I would have called you.  I wanted to call you.  I knew that if you knew I didn't have power you would have been on your way with a generator and propane.  You would have taken the hand truck in the rain, through the mud and connected it to make sure I was ready with heat.  You would have brought the generator to plug in to make sure I at the least, had TV :)  You would have came as soon as you knew.  It would not have mattered the weather or what you were doing, you would have made it here and in the visit, made us all laugh. Of course I would have given you a cup of coffee, once I could plug the perculator into the generator and we would have talked about what you were doing when you stopped what you were doing to come help me.  

I wish you were here. 

Be Particular, 

Me.    

It's a birthday of sorts

 February 12th.  It's my 1/2 birthday.  My mom used to bring cupcakes and a balloons to my elementary school on my 1/2 birthday to celebrate.  Being a summer baby, one wasn't allowed to have the, "let's eat cupcakes at school for my birthday attention", so we made up our own extra 1/2 birthday party. 

February 12th has changed for me.  February 12, 2019, I was 13 weeks pregnant with surprise baby number 2, when my water broke at 3:10 pm.  Perfect timing, as the school bell was ringing for students to go home, I called my husband to tell him I was going to the ER.  Just 2 weeks prior, we had seen the baby's ultrasound, we saw how everything was progressing normally, and we had started to get excited.  We had not planned to be pregnant and have 2 under 2, but we rested God is still God and this baby has a purpose.  But here we are, sitting in the ER, blood now running down my leg, excitement had been replaced with fear.  I knew it was bad, I knew I was losing my baby, and on that day I did.  

Miscarried is the word. MISCARRIED. I hate that word.  As though I dropped my child.  I miscarried it, so they say.  This was the day I had to sit on the bathroom floor and cry, as I handed the nurse a tiny baby, my baby.  My baby had a head, body, arms and legs.  Tiny yes, but a baby.  I like to think the baby was a girl.  We didn't know, it was to soon, but I keep saying her.  As I pick her up, I held her in both hands and gave her up.  She was gone. 13 weeks.  Some say they are not a baby at that point, believe me, she was a baby.   

As the days rolled and seasons changed I healed, had my precious baby Neal, but today is February 12th.  My 1/2 birthday any my baby's birthday.  She may have only spent a few minutes with me, but she will forever be mine and not I did not miscarry my child.  She was always in the Lords hands and now she is sitting at his feet.